Friday, March 23, 2012

Four: Things Worse Than a Dirty Diaper

Movies like to make it seem like the worst and most disgusting part of parenthood is changing a dirty diaper.


Look, I've definitely seen some doozies in my short tenure, but honestly, you do it so frequently that it's really not a big deal.  But then there are the really terrible parts, the ones that make you step back and understand why nature made babies so darn cute.  Here are four of my least favorite baby tasks and ways to deal with them.

My nemesis.

{1} Clipping fingernails.  OMG.  I would rather change a blowout diaper with a full new outfit on an airplane with a screaming baby (yeah, that happened) EVERY DAY than clip Reese's fingernails once a week.  Note: not actually true.  She hates it and nicking her is basically my worst fear.  My only tips here are when they are small enough, strapping them into the car seat keeps them from rolling away and singing "Old MacDonald" at the top of my lungs to keep both of us calm for the whole process.

{2} Upchuck.  There is some kind of terrible stomach virus running rampant this winter.  Our house has been far.  But I have dealt with a baby puking her guts out and it is not pretty.  Babies have no ability to direct their sickness towards the toilet so it all just goes everywhere.  Plus, it's so upsetting to them, they have no idea what the hell is going on and it burns like all get out.  My main tip here is that when it happens, take a minute to just comfort the baby and try to brace for aftershocks.  Trying to clean right away is futile.

{3} Blood.  It's going to happen at some point. Your kid is going to meet something that draws blood.  For me, this happened right around when Reese started walking and hasn't stopped.  The mortal enemy?  The floor plus her teeth. The first time it happened, I flipped my shit and called everyone from my mother to my husband crying about what a terrible mother I was.  Nowadays I blot with a paper towel and don't pick up the phone unless it's pulsatile. It still sucks though.  My tips? Don't panic, a little blood can look like a lot on a tiny person.  Try to blot and see where the blood is coming from, and wait it out.  If they stop crying in five minutes, there probably isn't any reason to rush to the ER for stitches.  My kid was eating crackers by the time my husband called me back the first time.  I, however, required two fingers of whiskey at bedtime.

{4} The blowout.  Ok, I lied.  This one is a dirty diaper.  But I'm talking the full on clothes soaked ruined outfit blowout in a public place.  It hasn't happened since we started solids (wow, way to jinx myself, right?), but we definitely had a couple.  There was the aforementioned airplane bathroom incident, plus the not one, but TWO times it happened when I tried to do one of those mom's day out at the movies thing.  Needless to say, I did not see a whole lot of No Strings Attached, but I like to think that was my daughter getting back at me for having such terrible taste to begin with.  For this one, you've just got to triage.  Are the pants just a little soiled and you don't have a replacement?  It's ok.  Do you just have a snowsuit and no other clothes?  So be it. Suck it up and get home as fast as possible.

The one thing I've learned from all of these things is how much you can handle as a parent.  I never thought I would be able to get a tiny baby in and out of many outfits in a cold public restroom, keeping her as warm and dry as possible, all the while she's screaming bloody murder.  It's in between running from a mountain lion and watching the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan on level of stressors.  Not to get all sappy on you, but it's pretty amazing at what you just DO.  Doesn't make it any more pleasant though.

What about you?  Any horror stories or other least favorite baby duties?  Any tips to deal with them?

1 comment:

  1. Clip fingernails while your baby and all the way through toddler-time, while they are sleeping. No wiggling & much less stressful for Mom & baby.


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